Should I Bring It Up or Let It Go? Biblical Wisdom for Handling Conflict

Lee Young
Oct 10
5 min read

Should I bring this issue up or let it go?

Every relationship has conflict. Conflict is conflict because it has touched on something meaningful enough to cause pain, confusion, or doubt. Yet, bringing up the issue may not always go well. And the struggle is knowing whether to bring up the issue with our spouse or let it go.

funny couple shrugging shoulders in confusion

As we delve into this question, we first must recognize that Scripture teaches us to bring it up and to let it go. Let me give you some Scripture. First, Christ teaches us in Matthew that if someone sins against us, as it is written in other versions, we are to go and point out their fault to help them see the error of their way and hopefully change what they are doing.

Matthew 18:15

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. (NIV)

However, we also have a proverb, a wise saying in Scripture, that teaches us to overlook these moments, let them go, and not let them bother us.

Proverbs 19:11

¹¹ A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. (NIV)

And here is another Scripture teaching the same principle.

Proverbs 12:16

¹⁶ Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult. (NIV)

It appears that Scripture teaches two opposing responses. On one hand, it seems that an issue should be brought up, but on the other hand, it seems God wants us to let it go. So, which is it?

These two teachings do not nullify each other. Each is alerting us to different approaches that will help us discern if we should bring something up or let it go. In the first passage in Matthew, Jesus teaches us to point out their faults, but what is important to note is the intention. The reason to point out their fault is to bring them to repentance. If they have been unkind, help them start being kind. If they have been selfish, help them consider the needs of others first. If they have been deceitful, help them confess and do better. But the key to Jesus’ teaching is that the confrontation is done to help the one who has sinned. Now, let’s contrast that with our proverbs.

These proverbs convey different intentions or reasons for mentioning something. These are teaching us not to bring up something out of annoyance or offense. In other words, if the approach of bringing up the issue is for self-protection, it is better to let it go. However, if you can approach the situation in a way that allows you to bring up the issue, not out of your own pain, but to help them see that their behavior is not good for them, this is advisable.

If you are unable to talk about the issue out of love for them, compared to love for yourself, then bring it up. But if you know when you start bringing it up, your words and body language are going to center around your pain, it is best to let it go. Pray about it. Ask the Lord to help you. Seek His healing where they have opened up wounds. Let His love be enough for you when they are not loving you well or loving you at all. When your spirit is full of His love, and you are at a place that you don’t need the other person’s love, but remain committed to love them, then you are going to be able to bring it up so that your intent is to help them do better, not protect yourself from them.

For example, if a spouse loses their temper too easily, the other spouse can bring this up as a means of self-protection. They will be defensive. Their anger and hurt will rise to the surface, and they may use anger as a means of protecting themselves from their spouse’s anger. This is not going to go well.

On the other hand, if they can say to their spouse, “Honey, it is not good for you to get so upset. It is not good for the kids to see you that way. I want you to have a great relationship with them, and I want you to experience more peace. Can we talk about this?” You can see that the same issue is being addressed, but one is motivated by self-protection, while the other stems from a place of love for your spouse.

There are, however, some nuanced situations that should also be addressed. First, is the issue harmful, or is it just something that gets on your nerves? If it is not harmful, there is a case to be made for letting it go anyway. Rather than putting the pressure on them to change behaviors that are not harmful so you can be at peace, ask the Lord to help you be more patient. Love is patient.

At the same time, if their behavior is beyond harmful, the pain may be so deep that it is impossible for you to bring it up from any place but hurt. There are times, such as abuse and adultery, that may stab us too deeply to ever discuss them from any place but pain. The goal would be to eventually reach a place of love, but when the offense or sin against you is very damaging, the Lord may know that they need to see your pain in order to convict their hearts and make things right. These are the extreme cases, not the average variety of irritations. In these cases, you may want a counselor who will remain objective, or a pastor/friend who loves you both to help walk you through that conversation, to navigate the pain and help point it toward love and forgiveness, even if that love and forgiveness is in the midst of a divorce because of infidelity.

Do you bring it up or let it go? Seek wisdom from the Lord and His love for you to help you love them better. As you do, you will gain the wisdom to know if it is serious enough to address or not. You will gain the love to address it from a place of love instead of self-protection. And you will know when it is time to address it, even if you are not emotionally capable of coming from a place of what is best for them.

I pray this helps you.