Why Does Everything I Say Turn Into An Argument

Little things matter in relationships and life, for that matter. And words can be so small, but their power is immense. This is another question I get often in couples counseling. But the words we use matter. They matter to the relationship, and they matter to our own souls.

Fear, Grief, and Overwhelming Emotions

When the emotions are raw and the relationship is failing, there is a sense of overwhelming that we will inevitably experience. This is fear mashed together with grief. The relationship that we have wanted so badly seems to be unravelling, and we feel helpless to stop it. Fear sets in. However, our mind also moves into the future, as if we have already lost the relationship, and begins to grieve.

This mixture of fear and grief will wipe us out. It will push out most other thoughts and feelings. And we will say things that feel extremely true, but they are actually not true.

Why It Feels Like Everything Becomes an Argument

When someone asks me this question, the truth is that their relationship has reached a point where there are many intense arguments that do not end well. These are traumatic experiences, and our brain latches onto trauma. A couple will fixate on these moments, and it will feel as if everything that is said turns into an argument, but that’s not true.

How Trauma Traps the Mind

The reason this matters is that we can trap ourselves in the very moments we hate because our mind naturally sits in trauma.

• We relive the conversations.

• We think of the hurtful things they said.

• We beat ourselves up over the insults we threw their way.

• We come up with better responses that we wish we had thought of.

  
  

But when our mind focuses on trauma, we begin to expect trauma. Our expectations work subconsciously to clear the way for yet another conversation to move down the same old beaten path of arguing. Then, we find ourselves asking, "Why does everything I say turn into an argument?"

Steps to Stop the Cycle

To stop the cycle, there are a few things we must do.

1. Intentionally Remind Yourself of Positive Interactions

If you cannot remember any positive interactions, at least try to recall a neutral one.

This is not something you can do in the middle of an argument. This is something you must do on your own when you are not overwhelmed by an expected argument or one that just happened.

The Bible says the truth will set us free. Though it feels like everything you say becomes an argument, the more you say this aloud and in your head, the more you convince yourself it is true. Then, you lose hope that things can be any better.

The truth may be that most of your conversations end in an argument, or all of your conversations about certain topics end in arguments, but it is doubtful that every conversation is hostile. It is essential to remain open to the possibility of having meaningful conversations, so you don’t give up.

Scripture reminds us that our hearts are deceitful above all things, which means just because you feel something to be true, it does not mean it is actually true.

2. Assess What You Can Do Differently

Stop focusing on what you want them to do. You can’t control them.

The natural human tendency when we are attacked emotionally is self-defense. Our subconscious triggers the acute stress response, prompting us to either flee or fight back. This will also trap your thoughts so you are solely focused on their bad behavior. With our focus on them, we rarely stop to evaluate our behavior later. And even when we do, we justify our behavior as an acceptable response to their attack. However, this creates a negative cycle that never ends.

There are several responses we can take when we are attacked.

• We might run away and stew in the pain as we relive every hurtful word.

• Sometimes, we will hold it in until it all comes out later as we attack them.

• We might stay and fight to inflict as much pain as they are inflicting on us.

• Or we might become the punching bag, worn out from all the blows we have taken throughout the years.

However, all of these responses trap our minds in ruminating about their bad behavior, never assessing our own.

The Bible says we will each have to give an account to God for our actions, that we will have to answer for every careless word we speak. We will not be able to stand before God and say, “I didn’t always give my children the attention they needed because my spouse was so horrible.” God will not accept this. And we should not accept it either. We must own up to words, thoughts, and behaviors unbecoming of a child of Christ.

3. Respond with Gentility, Grace, and Forgiveness

Our response to their harshness must be gentility. Our response to their attacks must be grace. Our response to their insults must be forgiveness.

When we respond differently, the same cycle cannot continue. It has to change. There is no guarantee that responding better will help them change, but the potential for them to change rises sharply.

The Bible says a gentle answer turns away wrath.

4. Force Your Expectations Against Your Emotions

Fear and grief may continue to flood your limbic system with the same hormones and neurotransmitters, but you have the power to think differently from how you feel.

We must remind ourselves that nothing is impossible for God. He is able to move hearts as easily as He moves rivers and streams to different paths. He will not force our spouse, but if we assess our behavior and work toward a righteous response to their attack, we become a conduit of the Holy Spirit's power, allowing it to penetrate their heart.

There is no guarantee. Jesus loved perfectly, and a small group of people still plotted against Him. Nevertheless, when we love better in arguments, the possibility of change increases.

Knowing this can give us what we need to take captive our thoughts to expect things to improve, even when our emotions are trying to convince us of the opposite.

When we take captive our thoughts, the level of discipline within us increases, allowing us to discipline ourselves to act in love even as our emotions rage with pain, fear, hate, and grief.

When our behavior changes, even if our emotions do not, we will begin to break the cycle that has been causing all the arguments.

Doing the Work Between Arguments

Lastly, remember that the work to make all this happen must be done between the arguments. If we try to do this during the arguments, right before, or right after, we will fail.

When things are not an emotional high, choose to pause your day and do these things. As you meditate on these things each day, you are preparing your mind and body to act in obedience to the Lord the next time you argue, even as your emotions try to run you into the same destructive cycles.

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