How to Forgive Your Spouse

Anyone who has been badly hurt by their spouse understands how hard it is to forgive them. At the same time, Christian couples trying to follow the way of Christ know the command we have to forgive (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13). But how do we forgive when the pain is deep?

Before we can forgive, we must understand what forgiveness is compared to what we might think it is. We tend to approach forgiveness in the same way we approach love. We see it as a feeling more than a behavior. But like love, forgiveness is not a feeling—it is a behavior. The Bible says that love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4), but anytime we need to be patient, it is because we don’t feel like being patient. That is the definition of what it means to be patient. But when I choose a patient behavior, I am loving that person regardless of how I feel. Forgiveness is not defined by having positive feelings toward anyone. We can forgive someone even if we are filled with anger within. Forgiveness is the choice not to use that anger to retaliate or punish the person (Romans 12:19). God would want us to use our anger to realize that we may need to establish some boundaries, and even more, anger should take us to our knees in prayer (Philippians 4:6). When we choose to use our anger constructively while maintaining loving behavior toward our spouse when they hurt us, this is forgiveness.

The loving behavior we show in forgiveness de-escalates the situation. The Bible says a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Even if we want to yell, scream, hit, or throw things at them on the inside, controlling our behavior makes the conversation more likely to calm down slowly. If we allow our anger to press us into a behavior that is not loving, we give fuel to the fire (Proverbs 29:11). The very thing we don’t want we contribute to. We want the argument to be done and over with, but we keep it going like gas to the flame. As things calm down, our ability to control our behavior becomes easier.

Forgiveness is the grace that can motivate our spouse to change their hurtful behavior. There is no guarantee, certainly, but just as God’s grace toward us when we sin draws us closer to Him (Romans 2:4), the same can happen in your marriage. When we love them in the hardest times, they become more convinced of our love. This makes it harder for them to act on perceived threats because they are so convinced of our love for them. A purer love in us for them can give birth to a purer love in them for us (1 John 4:19).

When we behave in a way that is contrary to what we feel, the devil will try to get in our head and tell us we are being fake. But to choose a loving behavior in forgiveness while we are still angry is not fake; it is obedient (John 14:15). The Bible says not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26). This means that anger, in and of itself, is not sinful or wrong. To truly forgive, we must understand God’s purpose in anger. Anger signals to us that the status quo can no longer continue. It is God’s way of telling us that some boundaries must be established. Sometimes, these boundaries are small, consisting of nothing more than us expressing our pain because of what our spouse has done. That is a thin boundary, but it is still a boundary. We are asking them not to do that again because it hurts. But a boundary could be much broader, such as asking them to be more accountable with money. A bold boundary might be to move out until they agree to counseling. That is a worst-case scenario, of course. But the point is for us to understand why God has given us anger. The devil likes to take the anger God has given us for a good purpose and use it to destroy our relationships. Don’t let him have his way (1 Peter 5:8).

Because forgiveness is grace, and the only true source of grace is God (John 1:16-17), we need God’s help to forgive. We must ask the Lord for help from the Holy Spirit, who gives us greater self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) to choose better behavior in response to our spouse and use our anger to set healthy boundaries in a healthy way. Without prayer, it is almost impossible to forgive deep hurt. We may need to meditate on God’s power and remind ourselves that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13), including changing our behavior despite what we feel. He will help us to do this. He wants to help us do this. He knows the more we can forgive our spouse, the more we understand the depth of His love to keep blessing us despite our sin (Romans 5:8). It is His will that we forgive (Matthew 6:14-15). But we must understand that forgiveness is loving behavior that will often need to be accompanied with appropriate boundaries. If we think it is emotional, we will let our anger rush in like a flood, then be overwhelmed with guilt for everything we do and say (James 1:20).

Finally, the nature of forgiveness must be a decision we make before we get hurt. The prefix for- means it is something we do beforehand. This is the decision we declare in the traditional marriage vows. We promise before God and witnesses to love and to cherish till death, for better or for worse (Ecclesiastes 5:4-5; Matthew 19:6). Unless we pre-decide to forgive, we may struggle to find the strength we need when the time comes.

Leave a comment and write your prayer to God to help you forgive, and I will pray for you.