How to Reconnect Emotionally in Marriage: Restoring Intimacy, Security, and Joy
- Lee Young
- Jun 20
- 5 min read
Song of Songs 1:2 (NIV)
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine.”
The Song of Solomon is a fascinating book in the Bible. It is a song that never mentions God. Instead, it tells a love story between a man and a woman as an allegory teaching us God’s desire in a relationship with us. God desires a love between Him and us to be more than a friendship, more than a commitment, but full of warmth, tenderness, and care, along with an excitement to be near one another. To help us grasp the full measure of God’s love in this way, He has put passion in our hearts.
When we first begin a romantic relationship, we have butterflies in our stomachs. There is an overwhelming desire to be with each other. We love one another’s company, and the emotional intimacy is what leads us to imagine spending our lives with one another. However, maintaining this emotional connection is challenging in our busy schedules, amid the numerous pressures we encounter from every direction.
According to the Gottman Institute, 20%-40% of couples who are still married report being emotionally disengaged or no longer in love with their spouse. And in 2022, a study done by the Pew Research Center found that 61% of divorced individuals said they ended their marriage because of emotional disconnect. And the question we must ask is whether it is possible to reconnect emotionally, and if it is, how do we do it?
What Causes Emotional Disconnection in Marriage?
First, let’s consider what allows for the emotional connection to begin with.
When a couple begins to date, the natural sex drive and desire for romantic love supersede many of the issues that could cause emotional disconnect later. In other words, love is blind. These euphoric feelings we experience when we are around the other person or even simply think about that person eclipse, or mostly eclipse their harmful behavior. This behavior has the potential to cause harm and pain in the future. Since the other person shares the same euphoric feelings, they are working diligently to act, be, and look their best all the time. Both people do this. So, on one hand, love is blind, but on the other hand, love works hard to do better during the dating period of a relationship. Neither truly sees the dysfunction in the other person, and we all have some degree of dysfunction.
This phenomenon, where love is blind yet also motivates individuals to work hard to improve, creates a strong sense of security. We are behaving well, and our partner is not inclined to notice where we don’t. We have faith that the other person loves us, respects us, and will put our desires and needs first. And they feel the same way. The emotional security established as a foundation supports the emotional connection. It’s only when the foundational security is broken that our emotional connections are in jeopardy.
How Do You Reconnect Emotionally in Marriage?
When we understand this, there is good news. When the foundation of security is re-established, the emotional connection can be rekindled. It is very possible to reconnect emotionally in marriage. But how do we re-establish the foundational security necessary for the romance to catch fire again?
Re-establishing the security in the relationship must become the first goal. Couples can achieve this by re-creating, to a certain degree, what was natural in the beginning. First, those who have broken trust and ruined the foundational security must do better. And it is more than simply saying that things are going to get better. If that's all it is, if things get better, it won't last. A person must first discover why their love was small enough for their spouse that they chose to do something that would deeply wound.
What Role Does Our Past Play in How We Love?
This typically involves a thorough examination of how other relationships have defined their love. Love is not something that is straightforwardly defined for us. We observe as children the behavior of those who claim to love us, or those who we want to love us. We attach their behavior to our concept of love, and our unconscious definition of love is formed. To the degree that those people in our lives did not love us well, we will not love well.
The opposite of love is not hatred, but egocentricity. When people put their desires and needs in front of others, love ends. When love is defined for us by others through their egocentricity, we have a strong inclination to live love out in the same way. But eventually, when one person is egocentric, they will inflict pain on those around them when they choose their desires, even when they know it is harmful to the other person and the relationship. Understanding how we were loved and how our past has shaped our approach to loving others will help us change our behavior in the long term.
Can Emotional Intimacy Be Restored After Betrayal?
Even if the one who broke trust works through this situation well and begins to love much better, it is not enough to restore the emotional connection. The one who has been hurt must exhibit grace.
In the dating period of a relationship, love is blind. Once the foundational security of the relationship has been destroyed, love is no longer blind. Now, the other person not only sees what they missed before, but they see every slight movement in their partner that might become something harmful. They will assume the one trying to do better still has ulterior motives. The one who has been hurt must exhibit grace. They must learn to forgive. Rather than looking for their partner to become a perfect lover, they must try to see if their partner is moving in the right direction. And as long as they are doing better, little by little, grace can be given.
How Can Grace and Empathy Rebuild Connection?
The best way to move ourselves to give grace to someone who has hurt us is to know their hurt. As one spouse works to discover what led them to do something so damaging to the relationship, the wounded spouse will gain a great deal of insight if they walk through this process with them. Knowing how your spouse was loved and how it affected the way they love, think, and reason will help make grace easier. When we see what was done to our spouse or how they were hurt and how it affected them, we will begin to see that others caused much of the hurt that set the stage for the hurt they inflicted. This is not a get out of jail free card. Each person remains responsible for doing everything possible to make things right when they have hurt the other. But knowing their pain helps us leave space for grace.
What Role Does Fun Play in Emotional Reconnection?
Although emotional reconnection is complex, if it were to be simplified into three steps, the first step is to learn to do better. The second step is to give more grace. The third step is to be intentional about having fun.
The importance of having fun together in a marriage cannot be overstated. This could require a calendar adjustment. Maybe there are too many activities on the calendar. Spending quality time together and doing fun things should become a priority. Sex could be part of their fun, but more so, couples need to have fun activities beyond sex. This is critical not only for the time it takes to heal the relationship, but also as a lasting habit. Date nights, weekends away, and vacations provide opportunities for the newly rebuilt emotional security in the relationship to reignite the flame of romance.
Follow these steps. Put the work in. And your love will be more delightful than wine.