Rebuilding Trust in Marriage: How to Heal, Restore, and Strengthen Your Relationship

Proverbs 3:3–4 (NIV)

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.

Understanding the Nature of Trust

Love always trusts (1 Corinthians 13:7), but how do we build trust in a relationship. And perhaps, the bigger question is how to rebuild trust once it has been broken. To build or rebuild trust in any relationship, we must understand the nature of trust.

The word ‘trust’ in the original language means ‘to hie for refuge.’ Hie is archaic, but it means to go quickly or hasten. We will know in whom or what we trust by observing the first place or person we run to in trouble, pain, or confusion. To build trust, we must become that place, that person. We want to be where they instinctively run to, without thinking about it. If they have to think about it, the trust is not there. When we become the subconscious refuge for them, trust has been built or rebuilt.

Rebuilding Trust in Marriage is Becoming a Safe Place for Others

So, how do we become a safe place?

This is a disciplined behavior that must be present when they feel no struggles at all. Trust is not built in the crisis, but between. In the in-between times, we must become disciplined not to be critical, dismissive, or angry. When these traits are popping up in us, even when it has nothing to do with the other person, we are hindering their ability to trust us because they are learning subconsciously that if we don’t agree or like what is being done or said, we might lash out. Their fear of the negative traits will keep them from telling you things, as they are unsure if we will snap or explode. However, when we consistently respond with patience and kindness to complex issues unrelated to the relationship, their deep perception of us is that we are someone safe to come to, regardless of the problem at hand.

The Role of Commitment in Trust

The other part of becoming a safe place is a commitment to marriage til death do us part. When couples decide to live together first rather than getting married, the premise of the relationship works against trust. We are essentially saying to the other person that they are not safe with us. If the way they are, as you spend more time together, is unacceptable to us, then we are gone. But when we have committed to stay for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, and our behavior reflects safety, not irritation or apathy, trust will continually build stronger. When we lack compassion, become callous, or are emotionally detached, trust dissipates.

Emotional Exclusivity Builds Security

We also must be romantically committed to only one person: our partner. If we seem flirty with others, trust is broken quickly. The safe place is eroded out of the fear that we might leave. There is no such thing as harmless flirting. It destroys trust in a relationship, even if affairs never come from the flirtation.

Why Keeping Small Promises Matters

Finally, we must keep even the small promises. Keeping little promises is where trust begins. It’s easy to keep the big promises. We will ensure that we pick someone up from the airport if we promise to do so. However, even if we say we are going to be home early from work, that small promise goes a long way in building trust. But if we break the small promises, the relationship will quickly devolve. The Bible says it is the little foxes that ruin the vineyard. Big foxes that eat the grapes in a vineyard can be seen, caught, or shot. It’s the little ones that are hard to see and find that will eat all the grapes. The same is true with our promises. The little ones matter, so be careful what you promise.

Marriage and the Power of Stability

If we are committed in marriage but do not match our commitment with our responses to difficult times and people outside the marriage, then trust will never happen. Marriage, combined with calm stability, fosters a level of trust that binds hearts deeply, allowing love to grow over time. Dr. John Gottman’s research proved that happy marriages had in common a 5-1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones.

Why Trust is Vital in Relationships

We are social creatures. We crave and, to some degree, need others in our lives for support and love. In a relationship where trust wanes, people do not turn to one another in their most vulnerable moments. Rather than spending the night talking with one another, holding one another, comforting and praying for one another, they will turn to another.

If they turn to someone of the opposite sex, the relationship can survive, but it will never be deeply fulfilling because of the felt disconnect. Women, in particular, want to connect on a deeper level. This occurs most profoundly when they can be vulnerable with their partner. When they cannot, there are always men ready to listen, but with ulterior motives. Emotional, if not physical, affairs are born out of a lack of trust in the relationship.

How Long Does Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Take?

Imagine being in high school and passing a bully in the hallway every day. Every day, this bully suddenly crosses to the other side of the hallway and punches you in the face. You will learn quickly to prepare by retreating or preparing to protect yourself. But imagine one day, this bully sees you preparing for an altercation with him, but when he comes up to you, he says, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to do that anymore.” How long will it take for you to trust this to be true?

In scenarios where trust is broken, the level of trauma and the length of time the negative behavior is exhibited affect how long it will take to rebuild the trust if the behavior stops. Some experts say it could take twice as long to rebuild trust as the trust-breaking behavior lasted. If a husband consistently lies to his wife for the first two years of marriage, depending on the level of pain caused, it might take four years of never telling a lie to rebuild trust completely.

If the person who has broken trust goes further than just stopping the negative behavior, but also consistently displays positive behavior, the time it takes to rebuild trust can be lessened. However, as soon as the behavior reappears, even if only once, the level of trust rebuilt can be destroyed by a single repeat of that behavior if the pain is deep enough. Consistent behavior that reflects a safe place is the key to establishing trust. Trust can be rebuilt, but it won't happen quickly. And the person who has changed their ways must be patient with the other when they struggle to trust. The person changing knows themselves much better. They can be completely confident they are changed, but it will take much longer for the one they have hurt to see it.

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