The Mindset of a Great Marriage: 3 Shifts that Transform Couples
- Lee Young
- Jul 4
- 6 min read
Believe it or not, Summer is rough on marriage. We need a new marriage mindset.
The query with the most volume is not how to make marriage better, but ‘divorce lawyer near me.’ This is sad but true. Summer is the season of divorce, according to the NY Times article published just a few days ago. Perhaps it is the heat. Maybe having the kids home for Summer while still trying to balance work and relationship. Maybe it is the family vacation. But if you are reading this article, you are already doing better than most. Scripture teaches us that love always hopes (1 Corinthians 13:7). We need hope because it is not just about the marriage. When a marriage ends, a family fractures and children suffer. We must focus on improving the relationship rather than finding a better lawyer than our spouse.
Scripture teaches us that through His promises, we can participate in the divine nature of God (2 Peter 1:4). We achieve this by aligning our behavior with the wisdom of Scripture. However, knowing what we should do is not the same as being able to do it when emotions run high. The primary focus of my counseling practice is helping couples identify the root of their issues. There are numerous techniques and strategies available for various aspects of life, including parenting, sex, budgeting, and communication. But most of these are simply polished presentations of things we already know we should be doing. The bigger question is, why don’t we do these things? It's when we are too deep in offense, anger, or depression that we are unable to do what we know we should do. In the most intense emotions, we don’t even want to do those things that we know we should do. Deep down, we want to be the kind and patient person, but in the moment, we just want to slap someone…in the name of Jesus, of course.
The first key we learn in Scripture is understanding how we frame things in our minds, and then discovering how we should frame them according to Scripture. Second, we must understand the origin of our disordered mental framing of different issues to help us mitigate the intensity of emotion we feel in arguments and fights. Finally, we must discover the behavior that will complement our mental work of mitigating these emotions, allowing our mind to see a different and better approach. But everything starts in the mind. The Apostle Paul teaches we must change our behavior while at the same time, renew our thinking (Romans 12:1-2). By the Holy Spirit, we have the mind of Christ within us (1 Corinthians 2:16) to frame every moment according to the wisdom of Heaven, but accessing this wisdom within is not easy.
However, there are three different shifts we can make today that will make a big difference. These are different ways to orient our aim in the most difficult moments. These are not shifts to be made in the heat of the moment. These are shifts to contemplate, meditate, and pre-decide before the fight begins, before the depression sets in, before life gets crazy. Each morning and every evening, we should spend time alone with God, reminding ourselves of these principles and asking the Holy Spirit to guide us when we need it the most. Don’t wait until the anger is boiling in you to try and remember. Meditate on these so when the moment comes, the Spirit will bring them back to your mind.
Trust the Power of Agape - Agape is the type of love that drew us to Christ. There are different types of love described in the Bible, but this is the only type that comes exclusively from God. We do not have this love naturally. It is a supernatural love guided by behavior. We can control our behavior more often than we want to admit. Anyone who has ever been in the middle of an argument with their spouse, voices raised and insults flying, but still has the ability to answer the phone pleasantly, knows they can control their behavior. The behavior of Agape is to maintain loving behavior, even when our spouse does not. When they are not patient, we stay patient. When they are unkind, we double down on kindness. To be Agape, we must be consistent in loving this way. Our motivation to do this is found in the power we see in how this love drew us out of the selfishness of sin. The power released when we love with Agape sends the message that we still love them even at their worst. This is such a powerful message that it can motivate the other person to want to love us better. Trust the power of Agape.
Prioritize the Relationship - God designed marriage to help us more fully understand His love for us. The more we grasp His love for us, the more we turn to Him and teach others to do the same. Marriage is not simply difficult, but it is under attack because of its potential to bring people to Christ. This means in every moment, the enemy is looking for a way to deflate and disrupt the love between spouses. We have all found ourselves in very heated discussions over things we realize later were just not worth it. There is nothing in this world more important than your marriage outside of your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The Bible teaches that we fight and argue mostly because we are not getting what we want from the other person (James 4:1-2). In other words, we are prioritizing the self more than the relationship. The essence of sin is selfishness. Eve chose what she wanted without any concern for what it would mean for Adam. And Adam chose Eve over God because he wanted her more than God. Selfishness has run our lives ever since. Take a moment each morning to remind yourself that nothing that might cause a disagreement or argument is more important than your marriage. Prioritize the Relationship.
Make peace your victory - This final mental shift complements the previous one. When things do go sideways with our spouse, the temptation is to win the argument. We do this by shutting the other person down emotionally or by convincing them they are wrong. The problem with this approach is that even if we win the argument or convince them of their error, the method exacerbates tension and emotional division. Most often, couples will go on without discussing the issue and pretend that everything is ok. And sometimes, it is wise to just let things go. But when letting things go allows feelings of hurt and dismissal to fester, the marriage slowly dies. The Bible teaches us that the Holy Spirit works through the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3). If the Holy Spirit is our source of Agape and wisdom to make our marriage better than we could imagine, then our highest priority must be to not let anything we do or say to grieve the Holy Spirit. If our priority is peace more than winning the argument, we maintain the help of the Holy Spirit. He will then provide us with the wisdom on how to navigate the moment more effectively. As we redefine our aim in arguments toward peace, more than proving our spouse wrong, the Holy Spirit will give us the wisdom and words to deal with situations so that we are bonded together more afterward. Every fight ends with couples being closer and more connected.
These principles pour out of God’s heart and mind. They are not the normal pattern of thought for the natural man. We need God’s help, which means we must be intentional. These shifts will not happen without determined effort to focus on them daily. Depending on the status of the marriage, intentional counseling with a counselor based in Scripture may be the degree of intentionality we need. But if we can make these shifts, even if we don’t do anything else, the quality of our relationships will increase significantly.
Start today. Take time to ask the Lord to help you make these shifts. Then, make it a daily habit and see if God doesn't do amazing things in your marriage. Change your marriage mindset.
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