What if I am the Problem?

What if I am the problem?

Marriage is like a machine. I talk about this extensively in my book, ‘The Sacred Union.’ What I mean by this is that a relationship works similarly to a machine, where many parts work together to accomplish a task or produce a product. Every relationship is comprised of two people, and their psychological patterns of interaction and communication ultimately shape the nature of the marriage, the product, if you will. Some relationships produce a quality product, while others produce substandard or even defective products. So, even if your spouse shows the most egregious behavior in the relationship, your response to their behavior works to produce the same product you hate. But when you change your behavior, the machine is recalibrated to produce a different product. 

This is a Biblical principle. The Bible says that we love Him because He first loved us. But it is only as we become more aware of His love that we begin to love Him. First, we gain knowledge of this love as we read the Bible and hear others talk about God’s love. But the more we walk in His ways, we begin to experience His love. And the more we experience His love, the more gratitude and passion we have for Him. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. However, as our understanding of His love deepens, our relationship with Him evolves in a different way as we perceive Him in a new light. Even if you are not the one showing the most unbiblical behavior, as your spouse sees you differently because of your different ways of interacting with them, it has the power to open their hearts to you and create a desire in them to honor you, just as God’s love to us causes us to want to honor Him.

Leaving the possibility that you might be the problem in mind is wise. This is humility, and God’s promise to the humble is to give them riches, honor, and life (Proverbs 22:4). Humility turns your focus to what you can control, which is your behavior and your thoughts. Pride keeps us focused on what we cannot change, which is their behavior and their thoughts. Humility produces contentment because we see how we are changing for the good. Pride creates frustration and anger because our eyes remain focused on what they are not doing. 

What if I am the problem? This is a good question to keep in our minds to stay humble and work on ourselves and let God work on our spouse.