Why Do We Always Fight About the Same Things?

This is a question I often receive from couples. They find themselves fighting over the same things, and any time those issues arise, there will be a fight. Knowing the patterns of the past creates anxiety around those issues. As a result, couples often avoid them rather than deal with them directly. This avoidance eventually erupts into negative emotions that can take a couple to the edge of their sanity and the threshold of divorce.

So, why do we always fight about the same things?

Why Do We Argue at All?

The Bible teaches that we argue and fight because we are not getting what we want (James 4:1–2). This could mean we are not receiving a tangible thing or a specific response we had hoped for in that moment.

For example:

• A wife may not be comfortable going out on a date because she feels guilty about how long the kids have been in childcare.

• The husband, however, wants time alone with his wife.

  
  

He is not getting what he wants, so he broods, lashes out, or stops talking. Meanwhile, the wife is not receiving the response she hoped for—understanding and support. When she doesn’t get it, she responds negatively to his negative response.

In this example, both want good things, but they fight because they are not getting what they want from each other.

Arguments and fights occur when both parties respond in ways designed, consciously or unconsciously, to get what they want from their spouse—whether in this argument or in future ones about the same issues.

Why Recurring Relationship Fights Happen in Marriage

There are many reasons, but often it is because a particular issue carries deep personal meaning or touches a wound from the past. Some irritations may not cause much conflict, but other issues feel monumental, as if they could make or break the relationship.

The Role of Schemas

As we grow up, our relational and social environments help shape “schemas”—mental frameworks that influence how we associate certain behaviors with meaning.

• If a woman grew up seeing her father as kind, attentive, and sacrificial toward his wife, she may expect her marriage to look the same.

• If a man grew up in a home where the husband worked long hours and the wife cared for him in traditional ways, he may expect that dynamic to carry over.

  
  

When these expectations clash, conflict arises. If expectations are not met, fear often surfaces—fear that the marriage is collapsing, even if that is not the case.

The Bible reminds us that “the heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9). Our schemas can deceive us into believing our marriage is failing when, in reality, it may simply look different than we imagined.

God is greater than our schemas. He can take circumstances—whether unmet desires, financial struggles, or even infertility—and still give us a marriage that is more beautiful than we imagined (Ephesians 3:20).

Patterns of Fighting and Negative Schemas

When past trauma or family dysfunction forms our schemas, even small issues in marriage can trigger outsized emotional reactions.

• If one parent drank heavily, a spouse’s occasional drink may ignite fear of repeating history.

• If we were ridiculed by family members, even a harmless comment from a spouse may feel like an attack.

  
  

In these moments, one spouse feels hurt, the other feels offended, and both are protecting themselves rather than each other.

It is essential to recognize these schemas. The deep pain is not necessarily from our spouse—it is from past wounds. We must remember:

• We are not our parents.

• Our marriage is not theirs.

• God can redeem patterns and create something new (Isaiah 43:18–19).

  
  

Seven Principles to Stop Fighting About the Same Things:

1. Don’t let emotions control behavior. Just because you feel like saying something harsh doesn’t mean you must. We must maintain loving behavior even in emotional turmoil (Ephesians 4:26).

   
   

2. Remind yourself that God is bigger than the moment. When conflict escalates, pause and say to yourself, “God is bigger than this” (1 John 4:4).

   
   

3. Acknowledge selfishness and fear. Confess them to the Lord. Ask your spouse for forgiveness—even if you feel you were “right” in the argument (James 5:16).

   
   

4. Prioritize the relationship over the issue. Most marital conflicts should never carry so much weight that they justify division or lasting hurt (Colossians 3:14).

   
   

5. Be gentle in your words. The Bible teaches that “a gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). Tone matters as much as words.

   
   

6. Define the argument as the enemy, not your spouse. Scripture teaches that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual forces” (Ephesians 6:12).

   
   

7. Trust God more than the thing you want. You may not get the response you desire, but God is able to meet your needs and calm your fears when you surrender them to Him (Philippians 4:6–7).