How to "Win" in Every Argument in Marriage

The next time you are having a verbal cage match with your spouse, look into their angry eyes and ask yourself this: “Does it look like they are having fun?” 

No one enjoys arguing, though for hidden psychological reasons, a spouse may instigate arguments on a regular basis. But even for these, driven by unseen emotional wounds, they are not having fun in the very moment the anger and insults are flying through the air. But even though we hate arguing, we keep on doing it. It would be nice to imagine a marriage where arguments and disagreements have ceased completely, but we all know this is not going to happen. Logically, we are aware of this, but there is also a deeper spiritual reason why it is true. 

The Bible teaches us that in the church, He has a higher purpose for arguments and disagreements (1 Corinthians 11:19). But in marriage, God has done what seems backward to His character. He has set marriage up in frustration. In my book, The Sacred Union, I refer to it as the Divine Frustration. 

The consequence of eating the forbidden fruit was the spirit of death entering into Adam and Eve, then the whole of humanity. The essence of death is selfishness. However, within this consequence, God is the aim of man and woman. It was decided that Eve’s focus would be on her children. By having their babies grow and move within their own bodies, God created a situation that fosters a deep bond between mother and child. She would love her children before she sees them. The pain of birth, then, is the mother fighting for the life of the baby she already loves. Her attention would be focused on her babies. 

Also, God would make Adam responsible for Eve. He had first made her from Adam’s rib. She did not come from his head that she was over him, nor did she come from his heel that he should walk all over her. They were to be equal partners. But Adam was created first, and God is a God of order. Adam was created first, and it would now be his responsibility to care for and provide for Eve. After the forbidden fruit, God told Adam, “You will work by the sweat of your brow in cursed dirt, then you will die.” God turned Eve’s focus toward her children and Adam toward work.

Yet, God never removes the sexual attraction that was to move men to leave their mother and father and cling to their wives. God made men attracted to women by sight so they would pursue women, but their pursuit begins with providing. According to Research Gate, even after decades of a strong feminist push, over 70% of adults say the man in the relationship is paying the bills. Men often enter relationships with the focus on providing, which can take their attention away from the relationship and onto their work. In cases where workaholism is the defined reason for divorce, 70% are because the husband is the workaholic. 

The consequences of eating the forbidden fruit are still with us. Though a man and woman are sexually attracted to one another and desire to be with one another forever, their focus and aims are in opposite directions, and this causes a great deal of frustration. Men are often unaware of problems in their marriage. A huge survey was done in the UK of divorce lawyers in the UK and America, and it found that 93% of divorces were petitioned by wives. Men are not only focused outside of marriage, but this focus also makes it difficult for them to recognize relational issues.

What is the world was God thinking?!?

We must remember that these consequences came after God said it was not good for man to be alone, leading him to create Eve. So God sees marriage as a good thing. Proverbs teaches us that the institution of marriage is a good thing, regardless of the spouse. So, even if you feel your spouse is the worst, the institution is good. Why?

God teaches that marriage is to be for life except in the case of adultery. He allows for separation in cases of abuse, but only for the purpose of getting help to eventually reconcile. So, God has determined that marriage is a lifelong commitment. And it is with someone who is going to drive you a little crazy because their focus and aim will very often be the opposite. The difference in aim and focus will lead them to think about issues differently. They will want different solutions to problems and will struggle to see your logic. And this causes arguments and disagreements. 

So God gives you someone that you are attracted to, that you love, and want to spend the rest of your life with. He moves us to make that commitment, but then reality sets in, and so does the frustration. This is God’s way of saying, “I have given you a wonderful gift, but if you want to keep this gift in your life, you have to learn how to think like they do. You have to learn how to love them differently from how you are loved. And you have to love them when you are frustrated with them.” 

The fact is that only the kind of love God gives us is capable of doing this. So God calls us back to Him to receive this love, so we can then give it to our spouses, and through every problem, our love for one another only deepens. This love is Agape. 

God has allowed the frustration with this person you love so much to draw you closer to Him and to draw your spouse closer to Him, so that each of you can have a relationship with Him and love each other better. 

The frustration has a higher purpose. It leads us into a relationship with our Lord, then makes our marriage more beautiful. 

What does this mean for our marriages? How do we win in our relationships even as we argue in marriage?

If we can remember that God has placed this Divine Frustration in our relationship to drive us back to Him, rather than turning against each other, we can turn back to God and ask Him to teach us how to love our spouse as He loves us. The fight you have with your spouse may be about money, sex, or the kids, but the purpose is to run back to the Father to get all the resources you need to love your spouse through the argument in a way that your love only increases. Then, we can use each argument and disagreement as a neon sign telling us we need to ask God how to love better in the moment. When we learn to use the frustration to enrich our relationship, life never stops getting better. You won’t win every argument, but in every argument, you will win the moment.

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