The Most Important Thing in Marriage

The strangeness of the human mind lies in the ease with which our deep desires and immediate wants can contradict each other. When we get married, there is nothing we want more than to live forever in bliss with the person we have fallen in love with. We could not imagine that anything would supplant this deep desire. But the troubles in marriage come quickly when we allow immediate wants to supersede our deepest desires. 

It is not that we would say our relationship is less important than other things if we had to rank them, but in moments of stress, fear, or selfishness, other things suddenly become more important. At least they will seem this way to our partner as a result of our behavior. 

Motivational conflict occurs when our short-term desires pull in the opposite direction of our long-term desires. Our long-term desire is to build a beautiful life with our spouse, but our short-term desire is for our husband to take out the trash or for our wife to stop nagging. Any issue that pushes us outside the love parameter of Agape (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) is an issue flooded with motivational conflict. Suddenly, we find ourselves treating the person we love as if we don’t. In that moment, the issue driving us away from Agape has become more important than our marriage. We would never suggest that laundry piled up or bills left unpaid are more important than holding together in the love of our life, but in the moment, emotions run high, and we simply do not treat one another as if they are our highest priority. 

The most important thing to maintain a good marriage is to never let anything become more important in the moment. And this is much easier said than done.

These are not decisions we make ahead of time. When everything is going wonderfully in the morning as we get ready for work amidst little touches of affection, we would never imagine the knock-down, drag-out fight that is coming later because someone was late picking the kids of up from school. But this is exactly what happens over and over again. Allowing other things or people to become more important in the moment is often the reason for divorce. 

Protecting the relationship above all else is key. But how do we guard against the motivational conflict that erodes relationships?

There are two things we need in order to more successfully protect the relationship over all other things. Trust and discipline. This is not trust in one another, but trust in God. And it is the discipline to not let anything keep us from the behavior of trust. We can say we trust God, but if we don’t obey, it is a lack of trust. God’s commands have a dual purpose. They lead us to eternal life and abundant life right now. If God promises an abundant life and, for example, one step along that path is to forgive those who have hurt us, our decision to hold on to the anger is a lack of trust, not because we don’t think God is right, but because we can’t discipline ourselves into a trusting behavior because of the overrunning of anger. Trust is a deep desire to follow God, but without the discipline to follow through despite motivational conflict, our trust is impotent.

Trust between spouses is very important. However, these moments of motivational conflict usually occur because someone broke trust, at least in a small way, if not a big way. How can we trust someone in the moment when they have broken trust? We can’t. But if we trust that God will take care of us, provide for us, and protect us, our emotions will not explode like a grenade in a broom closet. Instead, we will recall His promises to empower us to be more than an overcomer in all things. Our first response will not be anger at our spouse, or if that is our first response, we will more quickly turn to prayer. The quicker we turn to prayer, being thankful that God uses all things for our good, the sooner the peace of God, transcending all understanding, will come into us and guard our hearts and our minds.

Trusting God is a decision, but to maintain that decision in difficult moments requires discipline. The more we discipline ourselves to follow the ways of God, the more we see the rewards He pours out upon us in our obedience. The Bible says if we are going to follow Christ, we “must” believe He rewards those who earnestly seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). The more we obey, the more we see His faithfulness. The result is trust. We must seek to learn His promises attached to commands, then discipline ourselves to follow those commands to receive His promises. This discipline results in us participating in the divine nature of God (2 Peter 1:3-4). We will find His peace, His love, His wisdom, His grace suddenly pouring out of us where anger, depression, and disgust used to flow.

Spending time in the Word of God learning His promises, then spending time in prayer to receive the power to discipline ourselves into obedience that reflects the trust we claim to have in God, will protect the relationship from letting anything become more important. And the most important thing in marriage is the marriage itself.

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