Toxic Communication: Dismissal and Shut-Down

“What does it really mean when my partner says 'You’re overreacting'?”

“Why won’t they talk to me during fights?”

These are some great questions that many people ask themselves in their current relationships. Communication is not easy. What we understand someone to say depends on their words, the context, the environment, their mood, the history of the relationship, their past relationships, their childhood, your childhood, and it seems like a thousand other things. No wonder communication is so hard. How can we have better communication before, after, and during a fight?

Many times, the toxic communication comes from opposite responses to pain before the relationship started. And one person will dismiss things as if they are nothing, while others will be so angry that their only goal is to shut down the other person.

There are some simple Biblical principles to consider to help us communicate better:

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

When we are in an argument, the instinctual reaction is to prioritize self. If we are being accused, it is natural to defend ourselves. If we are being told we are overreacting, it is natural to explain ourselves so the other person understands why we are reacting the way we are. If someone talks over you, it is natural to speak louder to defend your opinion or to withdraw to protect your heart. But what is natural seems right, according to the Scripture, but it often does not accomplish what we desire. In fact, it often accomplishes the very thing we do not want. 

Scripture teaches the way of Agape. In Agape, we consider what others need before the natural reaction to self-elevate or self-protect. We build up the other person. But how do we build up a person when they are yelling and screaming at us or just refusing to talk to us?

Not that it is easy, but we must ask the Lord to help us pause in the moment, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what the other person needs right now to help them respond better. This is a very different question from asking what we need to do to prove them wrong or what criticism I need to share with them to stop their negative behavior. This simple shift in approach will change what we say, why we say it, and how we say it. 

When a person is angry, it often serves as a means to cover up pain. Maybe it is the pain we have caused them. Perhaps it is unresolved pain from other relationships. We don’t know. Our goal in these moments is to listen without trying to win an argument, to discern what they need. Do they need to know they are being heard? Do they need to know they are loved? Do they need to know you are not leaving them? What do they need? 

Additionally, if you can discern what they need, they may not be ready for it. Here is another Biblical principle:

Isaiah 42:3-4 (NIV)

3 A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

4 he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on earth.

In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

In this passage, we see the Lord’s patience. He will bring forth justice, and He will not be discouraged from doing so. However, He also doesn’t break a bruised reed. This means that whoever He may need to discipline may be at a place and time that if they experienced whatever discipline the Lord would give, it would destroy them. It would send them over the edge. 

In the same way, if your spouse is not ready to talk, forcing them to by not allowing them space is not going to be helpful. Even if that argument is resolved, bitterness will set in because of the lack of consideration of what they are experiencing in the moment. Of course, it is also not good to never revisit and address the issue at hand. But the Holy Spirit will guide us to know the right time. The problem some may have is that the emotional distance of the argument may be too much for them to handle. This is why they must resolve the issue right now. In this case, the one who wants to withdraw must recognize the other person’s anxiety about letting it linger. In the opposite direction, those who want to work out everything right now need to be patient until the other person is in a better emotional state to address the issue. 

A person’s needs may have more to do with their own history or the history of their relationships. For example, if conflict always ended in horrific ways when they were a child, even raising your voice slightly can seem overwhelming. It is PTSD, and it triggers the same emotions they had in childhood, of excessive fear, along with the psychological response of fight or flight. When we marry, we must own the pain of our partner. We can't simply tell them to get over it just because it seems small to us. Maybe conflict was a normal thing in your house, and it always worked itself out. If that is the case, conflict is nothing for you. This is what I call pebbles and boulders.

The same behavior can seem like a pebble being tossed by one partner, while the other partner will experience the same behavior like a boulder falling on them. We need to know one another’s trauma so that we can force our body language, facial expressions, words, and responses to extend in a way that doesn’t break a bruised reed. 

Because, as Scripture teaches, you are one flesh, it is imperative not to hurt the other person, but above everything else, protect the relationship. We can never let any moment or any issue become more important to us than our partner. Just because there are money issues, those issues are not so important that we can justify saying horrible things. 

Here is one more Biblical principle to consider when it comes to communication in an argument:

James 4:1-2 (NIV)

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.

When we are angry and combative, it can be because of the hurt we have experienced or are experiencing. However, anger can also be a form of manipulation, where we use it to influence or control the actions of others. We want to force them to talk right now. We want to force them to shut up. We want to force them to leave us alone. But this is all selfishness. We are not getting what we want, and so we are using anger to get it. But a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1). Even if we are right, if we express our opinion in anger, we only plant seeds of anger in the heart of the one we love. How is this helpful?

Ultimately, God is more concerned with how we love than with us determining who is right. Even if we do the wrong thing, come to the wrong conclusion, unless it is sin, God can help us overcome bad decisions as long as we are acting in love toward one another. Our spouse is a child of God. When we mistreat them, we are mistreating God.

If you came to my house and told me you were my friend, but then you were mean to my children, I would not consider you a friend. In the same way, how can I be a friend of God when I am mistreating His child, who might just also be the one I am married to? 

In the end, if we force our bodies to be still, our mouths to stay shut, and make our brains ask what our spouse needs besides being proved wrong in an argument, it can change the nature of how we disagree. Each argument will send us on a quest to meet their needs rather than win the fight. We will love them even if they are not loving us at the moment. We will send the message that they are loved even at their worst. This message is powerful in overcoming every obstacle, allowing intimacy and closeness to increase. Every argument will end with a more profound friendship, a better marriage, and a greater dependence on the Lord to help us continue in this way. 

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