Am I the Only One Trying in This Marriage?
- Lee Young
- Aug 1, 2025
- 6 min read
If you have ever asked this question, things are not good. It is difficult and tiring when you realize you are the only one trying to make things work. And it is very easy to let yourself come to a place of resignation, where you just want to quit.
Before you do, I want to remind you of the power of Agape.
God’s Design for Relationships
We must remember that God had a reason for organizing mankind the way He has. He formed us to be united with the opposite sex in marriage, to have children, and to live in communities with others (Genesis 2:24; Psalm 68:6).
God’s reason for these relationships is to help us understand His desire for a relationship with us—and what it would look like. Obviously, human relationships are fallible beyond measure because of the sinful nature in us all (Romans 3:23). No one loves perfectly all the time.
But as we navigate these relationships that are intended to be naturally loving, the potential for us to understand God’s love for us—and to enter into that love—increases significantly.
So, as we delve into this situation of being the only one working at the marriage, let’s consider first, our relationship with God.
He Loved First
At the beginning, He was the only one working at the relationship between you and Him.
The Bible says that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). To place that concept in context: while we were giving ourselves to many other lovers without any concern for God, He was giving His all to make it work. In the beginning, we didn’t know Him. We had little regard for Him. We were living our lives pursuing our own interests, desires, and fulfillment—without Him (Ephesians 2:1-3).
Many times, He is still the only one working in the relationship.
We might have accepted Him as Lord and Savior, but we are not really putting a great deal of effort into the relationship. But God is. He has put His Holy Spirit within us to hear His voice as He speaks love and life into our souls (John 14:26; Romans 8:16).
He is before the Father always interceding on our behalf, so when the enemy accuses us of all our sin before the Father, Jesus is pleading with the Father for mercy—because we have accepted the Holy Exchange full of power to move the Father to completely forgive us (Romans 8:34; Hebrews 7:25; 1 John 2:1-2).
He is working all things for our good, meaning He is using every circumstance, every decision made by every person all around us to draw us to Him (Romans 8:28; Acts 17:26-27).
He does all of this—all the time—even if we are apathetic toward Him.
Why Does He Continue Like This?
The Bible says that we begin to love God because our awareness of how He loved us first increases—We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). The more we grasp God’s love for us, and all He has done and continues to do, the more we are overwhelmed by Him. Our hearts melt for Him, and more and more, we want to honor Him with our lifestyle (2 Corinthians 5:14-15).
Agape is the love that keeps trying even when you are the only one. It is pregnant with power to draw the heart of another back to us.
As we learn to love as Jesus loves us (John 13:34), those we love will find us to be a safe place—where our behavior doesn’t turn harsh when they don’t do the right things. They begin to realize all we do for their good in the face of their apathy.
The supernatural power of this can break open the hardest hearts and restore what used to be (Ezekiel 36:26; 1 Peter 4:8).
There Is No Guarantee
Even Jesus, who loved perfectly with Agape, had people who wanted to kill Him (John 11:53; Luke 4:28-30). But also, this Agape love that He displayed—though rarely understood perfectly—still has the power for billions of people to follow Him thousands of years after His death and resurrection.
And His influence through Agape love was done while only being in public ministry for three years—without television, radio, or social media. The vast reach of Christ’s Agape is beyond even the most renowned figures of our day.
Are You the Only One Trying in the Marriage?
It might be that this is true. Maybe you are the only one trying in the marriage.
But the question to ask yourself is not whether you are trying—but what is your methodology. If all of your effort is without Christ’s Agape, you will have little effect on their heart (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).
But if you learn to love in your marriage as Christ has loved you, it can bring your marriage back from the dead, just as Agape has revived the souls of billions (Ephesians 5:1-2; Ephesians 5:25-28).
Why Won’t My Partner Put in the Same Effort?
In my years of marriage counseling, this has also been a familiar question. But in almost every case, the other spouse believes they are trying also.
The problem is that usually neither are trying with Agape.
They are trying with different forms of love, but not Agape. The other forms of love allow us to manipulate with anger, neglect, money, and sex—to mention just a few.
We are putting forth effort to get them to do something different, but we are not putting any effort to change their hearts so that they want to do things differently. And that makes all the difference in the world.
As long as we are trying to get someone to love us, we are not loving them.
We might say we love them, but our behavior works to push them a different direction. Agape doesn’t push—and in the gentleness of it, it moves the heart of the other person (Romans 2:4; 1 Peter 3:1-2).
Not always. Don’t forget that a few still plotted to kill Jesus (Matthew 26:3-4).
But especially when love has been present in the relationship earlier, there is great potential if a couple changes their strategy from the world’s way to the Agape way of Christ (Romans 12:2).
Where Do I Go from Here?
Before we can learn to love in the Agape lifestyle, we must be taught what it is.
The whole purpose of my book “The Sacred Union” teaches the concepts of Agape. I also do counseling as well. But we must learn it.
The Bible says it requires power from the Holy Spirit to grasp this kind of love (Ephesians 3:17-19).
So, if you have not decided to follow Jesus, take a shot at it. Don’t do it halfway. If you want to know if something is good, you don’t taste the individual ingredients. You have to take a bite of the finished product.
A mouthful of flour is no good—but everyone loves freshly baked bread.
Don’t tiptoe around the edges with God. Go all in and see what happens. He will give you the Holy Spirit to help you understand the beyond-human concepts of Scripture, including Agape (John 16:13; 1 Corinthians 2:10-12). Then, you can read my book or get some counseling.
It Takes Work
But knowing what Agape is doesn’t make it easy.
It requires discipline and effort—and that is where we need accountability and coaching. Find someone who understands Agape and can help you recognize where you have abandoned it. Let them love on you with Agape and encourage you (Hebrews 10:24-25; Proverbs 27:17).
Don’t make this person of the opposite sex. These talks will only allow for an emotional connection that could be dangerous unless it is in a professional setting (Proverbs 4:23).
Final Encouragement
Then, start praying for your spouse more than you complain about them (Philippians 4:6; James 5:16). When the voice in you wants to reiterate the frustrations you feel, pray that God will help them see a different side of you. And give God thanks for the good things that remain in them (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
The Sacred Union is a transformative guide for couples seeking a Christ-centered marriage that not only survives but thrives. Drawing from Scripture and years of counseling experience, this book unpacks 8 essential Biblical principles designed to strengthen your bond, deepen your love, and align your relationship with God’s design. Whether you're newly married or decades in, you'll gain practical tools to love selflessly, communicate with grace, navigate conflict, and build lasting unity through the power of Agape love. Discover how your marriage can reflect the sacred covenant God intended.
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